Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Shake, rattle and roll.


I'm having a very bad pain day today. It started last night - completely out of nowhere. I'd had quite a mobile day yesterday with driving the short distance to the doctors and then I went to the toilet before bedtime and boom - pain back. I had a really bad night with it and couldn't get comfortable. It's been hurting more than anything round my hips, really sharp pains and then pains straight down my tummy. It didn't matter what position I lay in, it was bad.


It's not quite so bad this morning but I can still feel it around my hips. I always find it odd where the pain comes from. I know where my endo is and yet it can hurt in so many different places. But I'm spending today resting lots.


Anyway, as I mentioned, I went to the doctors yesterday. I had to write a bit of a list because I had so many things I wanted to ask about.


The main reason for my trip was to get the next dose of my antidepressants. I hadn't mentioned it before because it's not something I'm proud of. I've had depression since I was 16 and yet now, at almost 29, I can't cope any longer and need some help. It's made me feel a little 'weak' because I'd managed for so long without them but sometimes you need to give in to your pride and ask for the help you so desperately need. So, I've been on the tablets, Citalopram, for 3 weeks now and I've not noticed any difference yet. We've had a lot of stressful things happen within the family recently which have been very upsetting and they've been exactly what I didn't need right now, so that's not helped, but I honestly don't feel any different. Other than tired. The boy said I don't seem as teary as usual though. But I guess the big tester is over the next few days, before my next period. It's always the worst time!


When I initially went to the doctors I was just going in to see what he could suggest. Maybe they could push my counselling forward a little because I seem to have been waiting forever. But he suggested these tablets and said that this is what they would suggest for me first at Liaison Psychiatry anyway. Except, when I went back yesterday, I mentioned that I was still waiting to hear about my appointment for the Liaison and apparently I haven't been referred on! The counselling service had asked for the doctors to refer me on and they haven't and now he wants to see how I cope on these before trying Liaison. So, instead of talking about my problems and finding a resolve, I have to instead mask all the problems with medication. It's not what I wanted but I'm just going to wait and see how my head feels and see how it all pans out. The boy said that maybe it will work just as well because I'd said before that I know how my head should be thinking and feeling - I just can't get to those feelings. But anyhow, my tablets have been upped in dosage and it's now just a waiting game to see how it all works.


Because I've been put on to Citalopram, the doctor had to change my pain medication slightly because Citalopram doesn't mix well with things. I've had to come off my Naproxen and 3 weeks ago I told him that was fine because I didn't think they were doing anything. Boy, was I wrong! I had my period a week after coming off them and I was in agony. I started taking my Nefopam (the bad tablets) again, expecting them to take away the pain and give me the same spaciness as usual, but no, they did nothing! I told the doctor all about this yesterday and oh, it was a right faff!


I asked if there was anything I could take in place of what I was already on that would be as strong but less tablets. He wanted me to take just my Tramadol and Paracetamol and I told him that these do very little for me on the good ('good'? 'better' might be a more suitable choice of word) days, they do nothing for me at period time. So now, he wants me to take my Tramadol and Paracetamol as usual (daily) and then start taking Ibuprofen a few days before my period is due. Although, I apparently have to be super careful with these because they don't mix well with my antidepressant's at all. I then also have my back up of Nefopam which I'm only to take for a few days each month and I can reduce these to one tablet three times a day if I feel that would work (currently on two tablets, three times a day).


He asked me so many questions about the Nefopam though: Why was I on them? Who prescribed them? Was I keen to go on them? Do they do anything for my pain? How many do I take and how often? Blah blah blah. But apparently, it's a really strange tablet for me to have been prescribed because they are highly addictive and are an opiate just like my Tramadol. So when I take them, I'm basically doubling up my Tramadol dose. So, no wonder I am spaced out on them!! But he made me feel like a complete junkie because I never asked to go on them, a doctor prescribed them because my normal daily tablets weren't enough. And she had originally wanted me to take them daily but I only take them when the pain is at it's worst.... And what a silly question to ask "Were you keen to go on them?", oh yeah, I read through your little tablet book and picked them out and asked for them personally because I thought they sounded amazing! How daft.


But anyway, at least I am not somewhat sorted for my tablets. Except, I am pretty worried about taking this new concoction at period time! I'll just have to see how it goes.


I haven't really done much else recently. I had my hair done last week by my puddy tat Lisy. I let her go a little wild and do whatever she wanted and I love the result. If you follow me on Instagram you may have seen it already. Me and the boy bought our new bed recently. He was having some work done at his house so we thought we might as well buy our new bed now (instead of waiting until we move out) because he needed a new one anyway. Then last week we went and collected our new mattress so I pretty much spent the whole of last weekend spent snuggled up amongst our beautiful new bedding. It's like heaven!... I can't wait to be able to sleep in it everyday! We also had a date night last Friday and went out for a meal at Nando's and to see Skyfall, the new Bond movie. It was amazing - the film, not the chicken - although, the chicken was pretty damn good too! Tomorrow I'm having a tattoo and thrifting day with my beautiful Loulabelle which I cannot wait for. Hence, the day of rest today. Me and boy have planned another weekend of very little apart from staying in bed and eating but we are hoping to go to a fireworks display somewhere on Saturday night. I love this time of year!


I'm off now to, well, rest really! But Happy Halloween everyone!


S.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Over to you...

Image courtesy of http://chibird.tumblr.com/
Just a quick post to ask if any of you have any links for blogs or websites that have relevant material that could be included in the endometriosis library down on the right side of the page. If you have, please let me know and I can include them so that others can also have a read. It could be an endometriosis related blog, a health board, cookery website, an endometriosis charity website etc etc etc. If it's something you think could help others, then please share.

Also, I've never asked this but I guess it could be useful to all... Is there anything that you yourselves would like to see on EMLWY? Any specific articles, advice, guidance or maybe, stories from others in the same situation? Please let me know if you have any ideas.

Thanks all!

S.

Monday, 22 October 2012

I'm still here.


I've been more than a little MIA again... As you know from my last 'proper' post, I have been struggling a lot with my depression. And then, I've also been on my period and my pain has been ridiculously bad again (even my Nefopam hasn't touched it this time). It's beginning to ease a little now, both the pain and my black hole of despair, but I'm not out of the darkness yet.

I went to the doctors about it all a few days after my post and I have another appointment for next week. I don't really want to go in to great depths with it right now but it's just so you all know I've gotten some help and I'm still here and OK. I've had a few days of blocking the world out and being out of contact with people and I'm starting to feel back to myself again now. I don't think I (let alone anyone else) realised how low I had actually gotten.

I've been working on the blog a little tonight (as you can see, this is the third post up tonight!), and I've also added some new links in to the endometriosis library down on the right hand side. I have quite a bit of catching up to do but I'm trying to work on it again as much as possible.

I've had some truly lovely messages on here, Twitter, Facebook and via email recently - and I'm slowly working at responding to them all now. But, they've made me see that this blog is important and to carry on. You all give me a much needed boost when I think I am wasting my time and (little) energy.

As for a little recap about what I've been up to recently, well, not too much because of the pain I've been in. Me and the boy nipped in to town on Friday afternoon, but I managed one shop before I had to go and sit down - like an old woman! Last weekend we went away for a few days to the seaside and it really helped to clear my head. I was extremely down when we got back but while we were away I managed to get a little relief from my incessant thoughts. The weekend before we went out for dinner and then to the theatre to see Diary of a Football Nobody as it's based on the boys favourite team, Notts County. It was lovely to get out together for a date night and to see a play. I also spent the Saturday shopping with my mama and we went to a little vintage fair. It was also my handsome nephews 13th birthday party so I got to dress up, once again, and party on down with the kids. Well, not really, but it was fun to get out.

So, I have been out and about a bit. It's when I'm stuck in with my thoughts that it gets me.

Anyway, I just thought I'd update you all, and stop by and say hello since I haven't in such a long time! I will be working on the blog this week and updating things so keep your eyes peeled. And, thank you for sticking with me.

S.

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

I always seem to fall down.

Image courtesy of http://imawar.tumblr.com/post/20368307968
I've been sat with this page up for the past half an hour. Just blank. I don't even really know what to write. My head has been such a complete and utter mess the last few weeks. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, how busy I am, how much time I spend out doing things with people in the fresh air, how jovial I sound online, I still cannot clear my thoughts. Today has just been the worst day in years. Maybe ever. For my head anyway. I can't ever remember feeling this low - even when I went through all my prior troubles. But today (and for what now feels like forever), I've cried and cried and cried over nothing and everything.

I've been so frustrated and angry and upset recently that I've been snapping constantly at my father and the boy and I don't want to be like this. I've felt paranoid that the boy has been seeing someone else and lost at the thought of him leaving me. I've been bitter towards any and everyone and retreating from any involvement with the outside world. I've been denying that I've lost weight when I know I have because I have zero appetite. Zero interest in anything.

I feel like the biggest failure in the entire world. No money, no life, no job, no friends, nothing. And I know, when I pull this black veil aside for a moment that I have so much to be thankful and happy for and it's just the depression that's making me believe all this but the veil is too heavy to keep holding up.

I can't get out of my hole. I'm trying so hard. I'm trying to keep busy and take my mind off things. I'm trying to read when I'm sat still and to go to sleep at the same time as the boy. But it's so hard. I just can't get my mind away from everything thats happening.

And it's no one particular thing. It's not just my problems surrounding my endometriosis. It's family problems. And money, always money. And silly things my head is making in to problems. I can sit back and see what I want so clearly - but it's so far from my grasp.

I know things are difficult for others too and I know this is especially so for the boy, I know I don't go through all this alone. But even though he is there next to me, every step of the way, I feel so lost, so bewildered. So alone.

I literally hit rock bottom last night when I shouted at the boy, saying I was trying to get myself sorted out but having my counselling on hold meant I wasn't getting anywhere. And today has been the end point - that point where you feel completely worthless and don't want to be here anymore. I've been here for a while but today, I've realised it.

I'm getting help. I know leaving this would be silly because of the mechanisms I've used to cope beforehand. So I'm seeing a doctor and he'll make me better and get me back to normal again. Back to me. Back to the boy. Back to focusing on my goals, our goals. And the boy has created a whole action plan for me and for us.

But tonight my mind is still screaming out irrational thoughts, making me feel selfish, worthless, needy, crap, shit, empty, lost, nothing. When in reality I really want to scream "help me" - please.

S.

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Her eyes are full of sadness.


I've fallen a little out of love again with the blog. It's hard writing your entire life down for the world to read and then feeling like no one is reading it or helping you. I know that there are a variety of reasons why I started this, and every now and then I do get some wonderful feedback about it and messages saying its helping those who do take the time to read it - but it's hard being on the other end. Writing itself can be therapeutic, like keeping a diary, but it doesn't seem to be helping me much at the moment.

The last few weeks I've almost felt somewhat pressurised in to keeping up to date with things and it's only when I took a step back last week that I realised all this time and effort was getting me no where. I am just a girl with endometriosis who doesn't have much else to do in her life so started writing her thoughts and feelings down for others to read in the hope someone might relate to it. If people don't, then they don't. I'm not trying to be little miss popular.

Blogging is hard work - especially when you haven't got the most interesting life to blog about or money to spend on fancy things to show off. But I'll be continuing on this route to keep my mind active and for those of you who do take the time to follow me.

I suppose though I've felt the same way about everything over the past week or so which hasn't helped in the slightest. I keep thinking about my counselling... Or lack of it. I so want to get my head clear and to be able to think straight again but I'm just waiting again for this liaison appointment to come through now. And in the meantime I'm stuck here with my bad thoughts and sadness.

My pain has been terrible again too - after having such a good period - and so I've not been able to do much at all again. Sitting here in bed, snuggled up with a hot water bottle, hot drinks and re-runs of Jeremy Kyle might be comforting but it's so frustrating. It doesn't matter how many times I repeat it but I am desperate to get my life back. Desperate beyond words. In some ways it worries me because I wonder if it's bad to pin all my hopes on an operation that hasn't worked for me in the past.

I'm trying to be positive but some days it's hard. I've got little goals set to get me through to my operation but it's easy to lose sight of them.

I feel very alone sometimes and like my little voice isn't being heard.

S.

Hospital date.

Image courtesy of http://hopes-dreams-everything.tumblr.com/post/27779230391
As you might have already seen if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, I finally got my date through on Friday for my operation!

I will be having laser and adesiology via keyhole surgery on 8th January 2013. It's the same as my surgery that I had in 2007 (which didn't work!) but at the moment anything is better than the situation I'm in now.

I burst in to tears moments after reading the letter... I am just so relieved! I finally have something to work towards and I know it might be wrong to pin all my hopes on it but I'm just praying that after I've recovered, I'll be able to get back to work and get moved out with the boy finally.

2012 might have been a wasted year but I'm determined that this surgery will get me my life back and make 2013 a year of new beginnings.

S.
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