Wednesday, 14 August 2013
Hello my lovelies! Thought I'd just check in with you all to see how you are...? I don't think I really have enough news to write a post just yet but, judging by recent posts, I'm sure I'll be able to waffle on about something or other for you all!
As you can probably tell from the photo, me and the boy are currently on holiday. It's so nice to be back down here in Lowestoft, and, more importantly, out of my bedroom! We got here late on Saturday night and so far I've dragged the boy around the little shops and carboots near here pretty much every day, although tomorrow night we are going to this monster truck show thing which should be fun! We are having to take each day as it comes at the moment as I'm in a lot of pain this week. I finished my period just under a week ago now but this pain is terrible. I've even had to start taking my super strong Nefopam tablets (on top of everything else) daily again which I haven't had to do in a long time. I'm getting pretty used to it but it's draining me a lot because it's stopping me from sleeping properly as well. That's the real problem with it - sleep is such a relief from the pain but then the pain keeps waking me up. I just want a break from it!
The pain is probably not being helped by my emotions either. I mentioned in my last update that I'd been struggling with coming to terms with the news from the hospital about our - well, my - fertility issues, but I'm still really struggling with it and, being honest, I could probably spend all day, everyday, crying - if I let myself. I'm so down with it all. I was due to see my psychiatrist (I feel odd saying that!) at the end of July but my appointment was rearranged to the end of August and it's set me a little off course. I hadn't realised, but I'd been kind of grappling on to that appointment, waiting for it so I could set my head straight. But, its not much longer to wait now. I just really need to just talk about all this with someone because I feel like no one understands me right now. I know there are people out there who do understand, my mum certainly does after having years of fertility issues when trying to get pregnant with me, but then she had me and I just have my head set on never being able to have children now. I don't know how to cope with any of this and life seems to just be a massive struggle everyday because of it, and because of the pain I have to live with. Every single little stab of pain is another reminder of my problems and what I'm putting the boy through, and with each stab comes another hit to my mind. Sometimes, I feel like I'm all alone in a big empty bubble with everyone stood on the outside, a busy bustling world looking in on me and a constant noise of people giving advice or comfort when the only thing that could mend this is the one thing I just cannot have. I feel like screaming sometimes, wishing people could hear what it's really like, but, what good would that ever do? All this is turning me in to a very bitter person, a person I never was, and there is nothing at all I can do about it.
It's under a month now until we go back to the fertility clinic and we've done all our tests ready for it. It was quite funny at the hospital actually when we went in to drop the boys 'sample' off. We were giggling like school children and whispering about it to the receptionist when she quite loudly took the sample from us, with a smile, and asked the boy to fill in some details. She must be so used to it but it is a bit strange giving a total stranger a tub of your boyfriends semen! I now just have to go in for my smear test, which is, unfortunately, not until the week before our appointment. I was shocked at how long the waiting list is to get a smear test. I've been very naughty and not been in 4 years now, when I was supposed to go last year. I just hate having internals when I'm in this much pain and it always scares me in case the doctors hurt me more. I just hope it all comes back clear else that's another thing to add to the list... Always looking on the black side!
As for my pain management, I have had a letter through regarding my physiotherapy but unfortunately, I'm on a waiting list - again! I have no idea when that will all come through but I hope it's soon. I tweeted a question earlier asking whether any of you other ladies had been diagnosed with 'endometriosis associated pain' as well as endometriosis, and the replies I had back were so surprising - some ladies even have pain in their knees from the disease! I find it so odd but it's nice to know I'm not alone. Have any of you been diagnosed with this associated pain? I'd love to hear from you if you have.
When we get back from holiday I'm going to be busy eBaying my life away to try and raise some pennies. I've been working hard on setting up a little online vintage shop recently too so I'm also going to get that opened finally. I'm allowed to earn up to £95 per week, I think, before it affects my benefits but I doubt I'll even be making that much at first. I'm hoping to eventually get it up and running fully though so I can have it as my main job, and then,when I'm able to, only have to go out to 'proper work' part time - mainly because I can't ever see myself being able to work full time again. I'll let you all know when the shop's up and running though so you can have a gander. I have quite an array of pretty goods to sell though!
Just before I go, I wanted to say thank you to all of you who have sent me emails or messages about the blog and my writing, and I also want to apologise for not replying. I still have emails in my inbox from last year that I haven't replied to so, to rectify this, once I've got all my bits sold and the shop set up, I'm going to set aside some real time to get in touch with everyone. I feel so awful for not replying but please know that I have read all of your messages and I love receiving them. To know my moany posts are helping some of you really warms my heart and I so needed to hear it all. You, the lovely people who take time to read EMLWY, are the reason I keep writing.
Anyway, I'm going to go and read some more of my book now while the boy continues to watch the football. I need to have a good wind down and a good nights sleep so I can actually go out and do something tomorrow.
I hope you are all having somewhat pain free days... And thank you for listening to my woes!